Jokes E-Mailed to The Panic Mechanic

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Men!
Anyone loves attorneys?
Haircuts for men and women
Let him out at Mannheim
An assortment of one-liners
Why is beer better than cucumbers?
Why are cucumbers better than beer?
Female Astronauts

Men !
Q.) Why are all blond jokes one-liners?
A.) So men can understand them.

Q.) What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A.) Government bonds mature.

Q.) What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A.) Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q.) What is the difference between ET and a man?
A.) ET phoned home.

Q.) Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than women?
A.) When it?s time to go back to his childhood he is already there.

Q.) What did God say after he created man?
A.) I can do better than this!

Q.) How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
A.) We cook/ they eat; we clean/ they dirty; we iron/ they wrinkle.

Q.) What?s the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
A.) Put the remote control between his toes.

Back to the Top An attorney was asked to make a contribution to a worthwhile charity. His response was, "I guess you hadn't heard, my mother is sufferring from a terminal illness and she has medical bills which far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled combat veteran. He is not only blind, but is in a wheelchair and he has to take ten different medicines a day. My sister is an only parent of three children since her huband died without life insurance. She has no college and scrubs
floors for a living while moonlighting by taking in ironing. My wife is in a mental ward, and may never get out. My only child is in a drug rehabilitation program, but he left and no one can
find him."

Before he could get his breath and continue on, the fund raiser thought it wisest to end this and let the poor man alone. "You are correct, sir. I had no idea of your problems. Of course we
can't expect you to make a contribution with so many demands already on your income."

The attorney nods and replies, "Exactly-- why should I contribute to your organization when I don't even give to my own family?"

Back to the Top
Woman 2: Oh!   You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 2: Oh Lord no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are?
If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Men's version:
--------------

Man2:   Haircut?
Man1:   Yeah. Back to the Top

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man:
"Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in
Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"
So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.
"Are you STUPID or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't I want my money back you $%^@$!"

While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to him:

Guy1, "Look at this guy he is gone crazy!"

Guy2, "Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim."

Back to the Top The following is not meant to make fun of anyone, ok?

Q: What was Helen Keller's dog's name?
A: "Huuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmth!"

Q: What's small, green, and falls apart?
A: A leperchaun.

Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a bowl of Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road?
A: The skid marks are in front of the skunk.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: How come no one ever came up with any jokes about the Jonestown incident?
A: The punchlines were too long.

Q: What do Rodney King and Nicole Simpson have in common?
A: They just didn't listen.

Q: How many Puerto Ricans does it take to grease a car?
A: Just one if you hit him right.

Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise..."

Q: When does a Puerto Rican become a Spaniard?
A: When he marries your daughter.

Q: Why are they using Mexicans instead of laboratory rats in experiments now?
A: They breed faster and you don't get so attached to them.

Q: When does a black man become a nigger?
A: When he leaves the room.

Back to the Top

We've heard all the reasons why Beer is Better than Women, and
why Cucumbers are Better than Men. Its about time we had

BEER vs. CUCUMBERS!

Reasons Why Beer is Better than Cucumbers
-----------------------------------------

You can't get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.

Beer bottles don't get sprayed with pesticides

Beer bottles don't shrivel up and grow moldy if you leave
them in the fridge for a month.

Beer is always in season.

Beer removes unsightly flab and wrinkles (on the person
you're looking at, if you drink enough of it :-)

Eating cucumbers to forget doesn't work.

Back to the Top

Reasons Why Cucumbers are Better than Beer
------------------------------------------

Cucumbers won't give you a hangover.

Cucumbers have fewer calories.

Your spouse won't complain about you sitting around all day
watching TV and eating cucumbers.

You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.

Your spouse won't complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.

You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.

You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.

Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn't hurt (much).

You can eat the whole cucumber, skin 'n' all.

A cucumber won't shatter if you drop it on the ground.

You can shake up a cucumber, and it won't explode when you bite it.

You don't have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your clothes.

Back to the Top

Q.) Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A.) When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

Q.) What's the difference between Big Foot and a mature man?
A.) Big Foot's been sighted.