Do you want to sleep. or what?
Why are bicyles better than women?
Why are bicycles better than men?
She needs ironing!
A snobbish matron
Dr Dog
Adam and Eve
Thatsa my Boy!

Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement.   While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.

The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids.   The man said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a
year."

The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of eighteen kids in my family."

The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.

"The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing."

Puzzlement.

Smile.  "My Mom & Dad would go to bed at night, and my Dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?'  and my Mom would say, "What?"

WHY BICYCLES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

* Bicycles don't get pregnant.
* You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.
* Bicycles don't have parents.
* Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
* You can share your Bicycle with your friends.
* Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.
* When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.
* Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.
* Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.
* Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.
* You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle"
   unless you go out to buy one yourself.
* If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.
* If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.
* If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics
  with it.
* You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.
* If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before
  you ride it again.
* You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

* Bicycles don't work late.
* Your Bicycle stays as clean as you want it to.
* Bicycles don't have parents or kids.
* Bicycles don't get sick.
* Bicycles don't get overweight, except as per your convenience.
* If your Bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
* If your Bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
* You can check out the guy who works on your Bicycle.
* If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before
  you ride it again.
* Your Bicycle always has time for you.
* Bicycles don't complain and don't ride away from you when the road gets rough.
* Bicycles don't watch TV.
* Bicycles don't shave.
* Bicycles don't snore.
* Bicycles don't leave a mess in the kitchen or bathroom.
* Bicycles are better protection in a bad neighborhood.
* If you don't like the size of your bicycle you can get a new one.
* You can try out as many bikes as you like before you get your own.
* You don't have to feed your bicycle.
* Bicycles never argue, you are always right.
* Bicycles never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason.
* Bicycles never try to show you off to their friends.
* Bicycles don't come home drunk after a night out with its buddies.
* Bicycles don't sneak around with other bicycles.
* Bicycles don't care what you look like or what your age is.
* Bicycles don't care and don't comment about what you spend your money on.
* Bicycles don't care if you have to work late.
* When you go riding, your bicycle doesn't care if other bicycles are bigger or
   better.
* Bicycles don't care about their performance.
* Bicycles don't get you pregnant.
* Bicycles don't have mothers.
* When you've finished a ride, you can get off.
* You don't have to praise a bike after a ride.
* Bicycles don't sulk.
* Bicycles don't bore you.
* Bicycles don't abandon you at gatherings for more interesting riders.
* Bicycles don't have to prove anything.
* Bicycles don't try to change you once you've bought them.
* Bicycles don't get jealous of your male colleagues.
* Bicycles never interrogate you.
* Bicycles don't fart in bed [or elsewhere!].
* Bicycles don't leave smelly inner tubes lying around on the floor.
* Second hand bikes don't brag about previous owners.
* Second hand bikes don't go to see previous owners for a ride when you're
   out of town.
* You don't have to explain to a bike if you don't feel like a ride.
* Bicycles never put you down.
* Bicycles don't complain if you wear "sensible" clothes.
* Bicycles don't have egos.
* Bicycles don't refuse to ask for directions when they're lost.
* Bicycles don't need remote control units.
* When you're lost you don't have to argue with it about stopping for
  directions.
* When it's going too fast into a curve you can slow it down.

She passed two male residents sitting in their wheel chairs in the hallway.

The first male asked the second, "Who was that?"

Second:  "I THINK it was 'Miss Rita.'"

First:  "Well, what was that she had on?"

Second:  "I don't know, but it sure needed ironing."
 

"My dear," said the New York matron snobbishly, "here in the East we think breeding is everything."

"Oh, I don't know," the lady from the Midwest replied. "Out where I come from we think it's fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well."

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation,  Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the
service and went to talk to Bernie.

Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"

Bernie:  "The dog came here to pray."

"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.

"YES!" says Bernie.

Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple."

Bernie: "Its true!"..

"Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff),
"then show me what the dog can do."

"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.

When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????"

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO HIM!  He wants to be a doctor!"
 

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the  Frenchman disagrees.  "They're naked, and so beautiful.  Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
 
 

Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running
quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown.  His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, "Thatsa *my* boy!  I raised him onna da Pet milk.  Ain't he-a fine?"

Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, "Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk.  Ain't he-a wonderful?"

The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finely someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered...running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa *my* boy!  I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia.  Ain't he-a the shits?"