Paddy and Mike were inseparable friends; Paddy was crippled. One day,  Mike bursts in on the pastor in his rectory and says, "Father, Father,  ye wouldn't believe what just happened to Paddy in the Church!"

"Well, then tell me lad. What happened to Paddy in me church?"

"Well, Paddy walked into the Church on his crutches. He reached into the holy water font, rubbed holy water all over his right leg, and threw away his right crutch. And Paddy is a
cripple, ye know."

"Yes, yes, I know. Then what happened?" asks the priest.

"Paddy did the same thing with his left leg and threw away his other crutch. And Paddy is a cripple, ye know."

"Yes, yes, I know that! For the love of Jesus, Michael, tell me what happened next!"

"Oh," says Mike, "he fell right on his ass!  He's a cripple, ye know."

"Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!"

The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use.

A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, "Dad, look at thoses bow legged bastards!"

The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, "I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else."

just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys walk by and once again the child yells, "Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!"

"Thats it!" the father yells, and takes the child home and locks him in his room with the complete works of  Shakespeare.

Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to speaking like Shakespeare wrote. This impressed the father so he decided to take his son out for another walk through the park.

As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them.

The boy turns to his father and says, "Father, what strange men are these, whose balls hang in parenthises?"
 

For Sale: Second hand car in very good condition. Owned by a young man who mainly used it for parking.
 

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a young woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.

"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.

"What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young woman on your back?"

"You've got it wrong, mate," the bloke replied. "That's Michelle".
 

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted  a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst  way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes
made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water.  He thought,  "those  must  be the two Marines the guy in town was talking  about."  Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"