A double murder or what?
The patient waiter
The pick-up
I was circumcised
Jailed for contempt of court
Keeping herself pure
More men!

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse.  When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom.
They had been shot to death.

When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other.  "This was a double murder and suicide.  This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both.
Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied.  "Double murder and suicide.  But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse."

"No way.  How could it be worse?  There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death.  It couldn't be worse. You're on."

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene.  He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies.  He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with
the gun by his side.   "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head.  "It was a double murder and suicide.  This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else
and shot them both.  Then he shot himself."

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes.  "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted,"Sheriff, how could it have been worse?  There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead.  It
couldn't have been worse??"

"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted.  "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant;  first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.  So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile.  "We don't even have an air conditioner."
 

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman.

Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her.

He buys her a drink and then another and then another.

After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time".

"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am?  I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"

"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"

Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee.

One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I' ve been circumcised." the other one says.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My Mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"
 

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman.  He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy.  And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned.  Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked,  "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do.  I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents.
And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me.  He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem.  The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the shoddiest in the entire state.  Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.  In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me,
you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
 

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

Q.)     How do men exercise at the beach?
A.)     By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q.)     What does a man consider to be a 7 course meal?
A.)     A hot dog and a six-pack.

Q.)     How are men like noodles?
A.)     They are always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.